I remembered, there he was, the man of my dreams. He, together with another newbie (a girl), played a magical piece entitled “A whole new world”.

For an unknown reason, I was so touched and moved into tears. But of course I wiped it out immediately. Our common friend, who’s sitting beside me, might tease me again and the things she will be going to say will only make me like you more.

I wasn't very good in starting conversations but I really like talking to you. But sometimes I have this feeling that you’re getting tired of my senseless rants, my weird thoughts and other shit. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems that you’re just trying not to hurt me and you’re just being forced by your conscience to talk to me.

You’re a very good person. For someone who’s studying at *bleep bleep* you’re unbelievably nice. You’re the most talented person that I ever knew. You’re highly intellectual and I really look up to you.

*Sigh*. I think about you most of the time. I am physically present but mentally absent at times; my body is sitting in that winter-weathered classroom but in my mind I am sitting next to you in the most romantic place I could think of (Scary. Don’t you think?).

I’m not perfect and I will never be. I might probably be the weirdest friend that you have. But I want you to know that this imperfect, weird woman will always try her best to help you in whatever way she can simply because she loves you so much (but nah ah, not in a romantic way *in denial*). It hurts her to know that something is bothering you, hurting you, making you feel sad and down. She wanted to take care of you but then she realized that you’re strong enough to take good care of yourself so she just accepted defeat. But I hope you see that she didn't walk away from you; she’s still behind your back, applauding to all of your success, weeping to your mishaps.

So there he was, the man of my dreams. I was on a sidewalk; I watched him as he drove away, hoping that our paths will cross again someday. But for now, I have to put my focus on that parchment manuscript waving at me; oh my! I can hear it say, “come and get me, baby!”

"We go on hurting each other..

We go on hurting each other..

Making each other cry..

Hurting each other..

Without ever knowing why.."

-Hurting Each Other by The Carpenters

Somehow, it feels strange to be alone again after long years of being in a relationship especially when you chose to still be friends with your ex.

It’s sad to let go of the memories that you've shared. It’s heart-wrecking to remember your first date, first kiss, the first time he met your relatives, how you get along together so well that others think you’re just siblings (or cousins), the “kilig” moments, how he used to fetch you after a long tiring day at school, how he used to cheer you up, how he used to surprise you on special occasions, the silly games you play, how he holds your hand, how he stare at you as if you are the most beautiful woman on the entire universe, how you used to talk about your future, how your home should look like, how many kids you want to have, what will be the names of these kids, the “kulitan”, your pet name, how you used to stay up all night just to talk to him  and other stuff like that.

Maybe he’s right. We’re not on the same wavelengths anymore. We’re not even on the same time zone.

So I told myself, “Okay. Fine. I think this is it. It’s time to say the magic word.”

I didn’t cry. Maybe because I have this mindset that we will be together again someday but as days pass by, I started to doubt it. Well, I think this is just a phase. I will get over it soon. Now I have to focus on my thesis and film production and direction class. But what the heck, how will I be able to do that when my mind is clouded up with all these sentiments?

Damn. Sudden gushes. Sometimes I wish I could erase some of my memories so that it will not hurt this bad. But I have to deal with this maturely. Crying will not bring anything back to the way it was.

But as they say, things happen for a reason. There’s still a lot of time and we’re still young. We might bump into each other again somewhere and have a small talk and blah blah blah..

Maybe he will be able to find somebody better than me and maybe I will be able to meet someone too. Or maybe we will end up realizing that it is really “us”, we just have to have a breather. Nobody knows what the future holds anyway.

Guess for the meantime, I just have to enjoy this roller coaster ride.

“Hanging around..

Nothing to do but frown..

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..”

As usual, I woke up late. It’s a Monday and I don’t have classes on Mondays but during this day of the week, I have to meet my thesismates. So I dragged myself off to Altura.

Well, I have this habit that whenever I am on a jeepney and stuck in a traffic jam, I look at random people walking on the sidewalk. So while I was watching people walk by, I noticed this girl wearing black pants, black long sleeves top (or maybe that was a jacket) and black rubber shoes with red linings carrying a black studded shoulder bag. I wondered for a moment if I knew her because she looked familiar. She was walking towards the route of the jeepney I am in. When she got a little closer, my reaction was “No f*cking way! That isn’t her! NO. NO WAY!” Yeah, I think I overacted but that was really the exact words that I uttered to myself when I realized that I really do know her.

I hated her; almost cursed her. We didn’t really met, but how will I not know her? She was the person who dragged my boyfriend in a deed. I hated her up to my bone morrows. I don’t know. Maybe because I felt cheated when I found out that my boyfriend is no longer innocent and that girl was the one who took his innocence away. I swear I hated her. But as I grew older, I learned to accept the fact that we cannot undo things that happened in the past.  We may regret doing it but that will never change anything.

I tried to befriend her but things didn’t go well. I still want to be friends with her but I guess, fate doesn’t really want me to.

She looks worried and sad while walking on the sidewalk. She ran her fingers through her hair thrice and pursed her lips. It seems to me that she was thinking about something very important; a project, maybe. I was so tempted to go down and approach her just for the heck of it. Silly, but a thought popped in my mind that this is a twist of fate and we may be friends in an instant if I approach her and try to have a small talk. But I didn’t. I’m not crazy enough to do that. Besides, my thesismates are already waiting for me.

I stared at her as the jeepney started to move away and I whispered, “Au revoir”.

It felt like I was in a movie scene. Indeed, I am weird to think of those things. Coincidence? Destiny? I have no idea.

Random Post.

Maybe because I was exposed to chick flicks, I used to think that true love was easy to have.

You see, most of the love stories that we see or read always have happy endings. For example, the dude and the girl met at a bar and boom! It was love at first sight. Dude courts the girl then they will be together. Dude or girl screws up and they will break-up. One of them will realize the worth of the other so dude/girl will find a way for them to get back together. Some silly and cheesy thing will happen and yes, just like that and they will be together again.

Unfortunately, this is not what happens in real life. Most of the time, it is like this: The person you like doesn't like you back and you don’t like the person who likes you. Why is that?! Well, I don’t know either.

You have to understand that LIKE and LOVE is not synonymous. Well, they may be but they are not. The main reason why relationships don’t last is because he LIKES her and she LOVES him or the other way around. Do you get it now?

Friends. Just Friends.

It’s funny how I could remember moments that happened to us and you couldn't. I guess this is the downside of having a diary or a journal. I can’t help but smile whenever I reread my journal entries about you – about us. I don’t know why we were like that and if you really meant what you said to me during those times. I still ask myself if it was just a show or a trick you played on me just because you sensed that I like you so much. Did you just give me false hopes? If yes, then why did you do that?

You used to complete my day by just sending a simple text message or leaving me a message on facebook. I like you a lot and to tell you the truth, I still fancy you. I used to daydream that we’re together, holding hands, you kissing me on the cheek and stuff like that. I used to think that fairytales are real, that I am a princess locked in a dungeon and someday a prince or a knight will come to rescue me, marry me and we will live happily ever after. Oh but hey, I forgot that a princess is a daughter of a king; her family is influential, high class and wealthy. So yeah, I am NOT qualified as a princess and I will NEVER be. I am nothing but an ordinary human being dreaming to be loved and wanted.

Sometimes I wonder if you have a selective amnesia but never mind. Do you still remember when you sent me a text message telling me that you like me? I want to know if it is true and if you really mean it.

I’m still confused. I don’t get it why a guy would accompany a girl to the movie house, give her stuff that will make her happy and request for a hug before parting ways if this guy doesn’t really like her to be more than friends. Guess, I’m just giving so much meaning to things. Oh by the way, you said you’re not like this to other girls but I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t know. I don’t understand why you don’t like me (Oh no, that sounded so desperate). I guess that’s how it is; a prince is meant to marry a princess and not just an ordinary homo sapiens.

But I am cool with it. It’s better to be this way; at least I will not lose you. Couples may break up, part ways and then they’re strangers again. But friends are not like that; they may part ways but they will remain as friends. When they see each other once more, they tend to catch up and both of them are happy to bump into each other again.

I will just always be here for you and I know that you will just be there for me as well. I will still love you but I will just do it discreetly. You see, you don’t have to love me the way I love you. All I want is you stay with me and that will be better than us being in a romantic relationship.

P.S.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Stay with me, will you?

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