LET it go

Marami akong kakilala at kaibigan na nagsasaya ngayong araw na 'to. Paano ba naman kasi, nakita na nila sa wakas ang mga pangalan nila sa mga pumasa sa Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET) na ginanap noong Agosto.

Masaya ako para sa kanila, lalo na't kabilang sa mga pumasa ang matalik kong kaibigan noong 2nd year high school. Sa pagkakatanda ko, ako itong may gusto na maging isang guro ngunit anong nangyari sa pinangarap ko?

Sana naging matigas na lang pala ang ulo at puso ko nang mga panahong 'yon. Sana noong pagkakataong 'yon, inisip ko na lang ang sarili ko at hindi nakinig sa mga sabi-sabi ng kung sinu-sino. Pero hindi e, hinayaan ko silang lunurin ako; hinayaan ko silang tangayin ako. Hindi man lang ako lumaban, Hindi ko man lang pinilit lumangoy papunta sa dalampasigan.

Nagsisisi ba ko?

Oo.

Pero narito na ko ngayon, nakatayo, hawak ang kapirasong papel na bunga ng apat na taong paghihirap sa kursong hindi ko naman talaga gaanong gusto. Ngunit sabi nga nila, hindi pa naman daw huli ang lahat. Sana nga.

Sa ngayon, patuloy pa rin akong nagmumuni-muni. Sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sa susunod sa semestre upang tahakin ang isa na namang landas tungo sa karunungan; ang landas na matagal ko nang pinangarap na daanan.

On filmmaking

My family used to go to the cinemas; during that time, it was half the price compared today. But when it started to be "watching a film will cost you your daily allowance" we stopped going to the cinemas.

Growing up, I didn't become a fan of films. But that changed when I met Angelo.

He was the one who re-introduced films to me. Since then, everytime I'd watch a film, it feels like I am in a different world; a world that I can call my own.

My love for films grew even more when I took up Film Aesthetics during third year in college. My professor did not just teach us how to appreciate films but also taught us how to evaluate which are "good" films and which are not.

On the same year, independent or "indie" films were introduced to me and I started to love them. There's this thinking that indie films are better than mainstream, but do not be deceived. The truth is, not all indie films are good and not all mainstream films are trash.

Then and there, I dreamed of creating my own film. But how am I suppose to do so? I could not even afford to buy a camera in the first place. I am but a student and a scholar of the taxpayers of Manila. But still, I continued to dream. As they say, "Libre lang mangarap" ("It's free to dream").

Come 2013, I took up Radio and Television Production. We were asked to create a documentary as our final output for the subject. It was Angelo who provided me a Nikon D3200 to work with and I am grateful for having him in my life. My team created a documentary entitled "Bitaw" which was about a man who tried to suicide fourteen times and yet, after some years, he found a way to pick up the broken pieces of his life. This documentary won 3rd prize in AV Faith Awards sponsored by the Society of St. Paul's.

As of the moment, I am taking up Film Production and Direction. And of course, we are to create or produce a film. In my first attempt, I was devastated. Not that I couldn't make one. Truth is, I know I am capable of creating my own film now, but just the thought of doing it was really depressing. I already shot a short film entitled "Cheryl" with the help of family and friends, but something was missing from it. It didn't really come out as I thought it would. Sadly one factor that made everything seem to go to waste: the budget I received from my producer, the tiresome effort made by my crew, and the amazing performances of my actors, was a technical problem that ruined the whole film. It was an unwanted noise due to a faulty microphone. Furthermore, the genre was horror, and it wasn't really my style, so to speak. Be it as it may, I didn't get to fully finish the film, editing and what not, but I don't regret it. It's because of that that I learned to check everything before shooting. That it's important to have your equipment in good working order.

Like I said, I was devastated. The loss of my first short film was heartbreaking for me and I wasn't over it yet. But since we were given a new assignment, I had no other choice but to make one more. I had a choice to join others and make it as a group production, but I decided to do it again on my own. Not because I'm selfish, but because I want to make my dream to finally turn into reality.

Nevertheless, producing another film didn't become easy. I had to look for actors who could portray the roles that I had in mind, and for me, that is the hardest part in filmmaking. Once again, I asked for help with the people who helped me in my first film. However, I found the doors which were once opened now closed. I couldn't blame them. Who would want to work with a failure of a director, anyway?

I was close to giving up. I cried my heart out, like a mother who was about to lose a baby inside her womb. Then again, an angel came to my rescue me and that is none other than, Angelo.

He helped me to get back on my feet once again. He was there for me from the location hunt until I said the phrase "it's a wrap" and even when I was trying my best to edit the film, he didn't leave me until it was totally done. It was a heck of a roller coaster ride. But now, I can proudly say that I made my dream come true. I have created a film. Something I can really call my own.

Most of all, I want to thank God for he never left my side. He is true to His promises. May God bless my official first short film entitled "Patungo" ("Ascension") and the people who helped me to make the film possible.

A Little Something For You

Gone are the days that this heart keeps pounding fast and heavily whenever I see your face.

Gone are those sweet memories of ours that used to make me smile like a fool and that I used to think of, before going to sleep.

Gone are the sleepless nights because of my excitement on the thought of tomorrow will be the day that I will be with you again.

I remembered, there he was, the man of my dreams. He, together with another newbie (a girl), played a magical piece entitled “A whole new world”.

For an unknown reason, I was so touched and moved into tears. But of course I wiped it out immediately. Our common friend, who’s sitting beside me, might tease me again and the things she will be going to say will only make me like you more.

I wasn't very good in starting conversations but I really like talking to you. But sometimes I have this feeling that you’re getting tired of my senseless rants, my weird thoughts and other shit. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems that you’re just trying not to hurt me and you’re just being forced by your conscience to talk to me.

You’re a very good person. For someone who’s studying at *bleep bleep* you’re unbelievably nice. You’re the most talented person that I ever knew. You’re highly intellectual and I really look up to you.

*Sigh*. I think about you most of the time. I am physically present but mentally absent at times; my body is sitting in that winter-weathered classroom but in my mind I am sitting next to you in the most romantic place I could think of (Scary. Don’t you think?).

I’m not perfect and I will never be. I might probably be the weirdest friend that you have. But I want you to know that this imperfect, weird woman will always try her best to help you in whatever way she can simply because she loves you so much (but nah ah, not in a romantic way *in denial*). It hurts her to know that something is bothering you, hurting you, making you feel sad and down. She wanted to take care of you but then she realized that you’re strong enough to take good care of yourself so she just accepted defeat. But I hope you see that she didn't walk away from you; she’s still behind your back, applauding to all of your success, weeping to your mishaps.

So there he was, the man of my dreams. I was on a sidewalk; I watched him as he drove away, hoping that our paths will cross again someday. But for now, I have to put my focus on that parchment manuscript waving at me; oh my! I can hear it say, “come and get me, baby!”

"We go on hurting each other..

We go on hurting each other..

Making each other cry..

Hurting each other..

Without ever knowing why.."

-Hurting Each Other by The Carpenters

Somehow, it feels strange to be alone again after long years of being in a relationship especially when you chose to still be friends with your ex.

It’s sad to let go of the memories that you've shared. It’s heart-wrecking to remember your first date, first kiss, the first time he met your relatives, how you get along together so well that others think you’re just siblings (or cousins), the “kilig” moments, how he used to fetch you after a long tiring day at school, how he used to cheer you up, how he used to surprise you on special occasions, the silly games you play, how he holds your hand, how he stare at you as if you are the most beautiful woman on the entire universe, how you used to talk about your future, how your home should look like, how many kids you want to have, what will be the names of these kids, the “kulitan”, your pet name, how you used to stay up all night just to talk to him  and other stuff like that.

Maybe he’s right. We’re not on the same wavelengths anymore. We’re not even on the same time zone.

So I told myself, “Okay. Fine. I think this is it. It’s time to say the magic word.”

I didn’t cry. Maybe because I have this mindset that we will be together again someday but as days pass by, I started to doubt it. Well, I think this is just a phase. I will get over it soon. Now I have to focus on my thesis and film production and direction class. But what the heck, how will I be able to do that when my mind is clouded up with all these sentiments?

Damn. Sudden gushes. Sometimes I wish I could erase some of my memories so that it will not hurt this bad. But I have to deal with this maturely. Crying will not bring anything back to the way it was.

But as they say, things happen for a reason. There’s still a lot of time and we’re still young. We might bump into each other again somewhere and have a small talk and blah blah blah..

Maybe he will be able to find somebody better than me and maybe I will be able to meet someone too. Or maybe we will end up realizing that it is really “us”, we just have to have a breather. Nobody knows what the future holds anyway.

Guess for the meantime, I just have to enjoy this roller coaster ride.

“Hanging around..

Nothing to do but frown..

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..”

As usual, I woke up late. It’s a Monday and I don’t have classes on Mondays but during this day of the week, I have to meet my thesismates. So I dragged myself off to Altura.

Well, I have this habit that whenever I am on a jeepney and stuck in a traffic jam, I look at random people walking on the sidewalk. So while I was watching people walk by, I noticed this girl wearing black pants, black long sleeves top (or maybe that was a jacket) and black rubber shoes with red linings carrying a black studded shoulder bag. I wondered for a moment if I knew her because she looked familiar. She was walking towards the route of the jeepney I am in. When she got a little closer, my reaction was “No f*cking way! That isn’t her! NO. NO WAY!” Yeah, I think I overacted but that was really the exact words that I uttered to myself when I realized that I really do know her.

I hated her; almost cursed her. We didn’t really met, but how will I not know her? She was the person who dragged my boyfriend in a deed. I hated her up to my bone morrows. I don’t know. Maybe because I felt cheated when I found out that my boyfriend is no longer innocent and that girl was the one who took his innocence away. I swear I hated her. But as I grew older, I learned to accept the fact that we cannot undo things that happened in the past.  We may regret doing it but that will never change anything.

I tried to befriend her but things didn’t go well. I still want to be friends with her but I guess, fate doesn’t really want me to.

She looks worried and sad while walking on the sidewalk. She ran her fingers through her hair thrice and pursed her lips. It seems to me that she was thinking about something very important; a project, maybe. I was so tempted to go down and approach her just for the heck of it. Silly, but a thought popped in my mind that this is a twist of fate and we may be friends in an instant if I approach her and try to have a small talk. But I didn’t. I’m not crazy enough to do that. Besides, my thesismates are already waiting for me.

I stared at her as the jeepney started to move away and I whispered, “Au revoir”.

It felt like I was in a movie scene. Indeed, I am weird to think of those things. Coincidence? Destiny? I have no idea.

Random Post.

Maybe because I was exposed to chick flicks, I used to think that true love was easy to have.

You see, most of the love stories that we see or read always have happy endings. For example, the dude and the girl met at a bar and boom! It was love at first sight. Dude courts the girl then they will be together. Dude or girl screws up and they will break-up. One of them will realize the worth of the other so dude/girl will find a way for them to get back together. Some silly and cheesy thing will happen and yes, just like that and they will be together again.

Unfortunately, this is not what happens in real life. Most of the time, it is like this: The person you like doesn't like you back and you don’t like the person who likes you. Why is that?! Well, I don’t know either.

You have to understand that LIKE and LOVE is not synonymous. Well, they may be but they are not. The main reason why relationships don’t last is because he LIKES her and she LOVES him or the other way around. Do you get it now?

Friends. Just Friends.

It’s funny how I could remember moments that happened to us and you couldn't. I guess this is the downside of having a diary or a journal. I can’t help but smile whenever I reread my journal entries about you – about us. I don’t know why we were like that and if you really meant what you said to me during those times. I still ask myself if it was just a show or a trick you played on me just because you sensed that I like you so much. Did you just give me false hopes? If yes, then why did you do that?

You used to complete my day by just sending a simple text message or leaving me a message on facebook. I like you a lot and to tell you the truth, I still fancy you. I used to daydream that we’re together, holding hands, you kissing me on the cheek and stuff like that. I used to think that fairytales are real, that I am a princess locked in a dungeon and someday a prince or a knight will come to rescue me, marry me and we will live happily ever after. Oh but hey, I forgot that a princess is a daughter of a king; her family is influential, high class and wealthy. So yeah, I am NOT qualified as a princess and I will NEVER be. I am nothing but an ordinary human being dreaming to be loved and wanted.

Sometimes I wonder if you have a selective amnesia but never mind. Do you still remember when you sent me a text message telling me that you like me? I want to know if it is true and if you really mean it.

I’m still confused. I don’t get it why a guy would accompany a girl to the movie house, give her stuff that will make her happy and request for a hug before parting ways if this guy doesn’t really like her to be more than friends. Guess, I’m just giving so much meaning to things. Oh by the way, you said you’re not like this to other girls but I don’t know if that’s true.

I don’t know. I don’t understand why you don’t like me (Oh no, that sounded so desperate). I guess that’s how it is; a prince is meant to marry a princess and not just an ordinary homo sapiens.

But I am cool with it. It’s better to be this way; at least I will not lose you. Couples may break up, part ways and then they’re strangers again. But friends are not like that; they may part ways but they will remain as friends. When they see each other once more, they tend to catch up and both of them are happy to bump into each other again.

I will just always be here for you and I know that you will just be there for me as well. I will still love you but I will just do it discreetly. You see, you don’t have to love me the way I love you. All I want is you stay with me and that will be better than us being in a romantic relationship.

P.S.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am. Stay with me, will you?

Para Sa Aking Bituin

Mananatili kang isang bituin sa aking paningin
Nakatutuwang isipin, Hindi ko akalain
Isa pala talaga akong hangal 'pagkat inakala kong maari kitang kunin
Pinilit kang abutin, sungkitin
Ngunit nang malapit na kitang mahawakan
Napaso ako't panungkit ay nabitawan

Mananatili kang isang bituin sa aking paningin
Ang pangarap na makuha ka'y tinangay na ng hangin
Tama nga yata ang sabi ng nakararami
Na mas maganda kung ika'y akin na lamang titingalain
Sa gayon, di ako mapapaso o masasaktan
Mas nababagay ka naman talaga diyan sa kalangitan

O paalam, aking bituin
Di ka naman talaga yuyuko para sa akin
Kay layo ng langit dito sa inaapakan kong lupain
Makakahanap din ako ng mas nakahihigit sa'yo
Hindi na ako muling titingala sa langit
O paalam, aking bituin