I was alive, but I became a ghost. Remember when I used to participate actively in our preschool activities? Remember when I auditioned on Eat Bulaga's Little Miss Philippines? Remember how I sing and dance gracefully? Remember how my tears fall when I am the protagonist or how my eyebrows do the job of being the antagonist? It was fun while it lasted.

I was alive, but I became a ghost when my fourth grade teacher shamed me in front of the class. She didn't even gave me a chance to explain. After all, I was just a kid. But doesn't she know that kids are also human who knows how to get hurt? She was my adviser, a math teacher. Guess that was why I hated math. Ma'am, if you are reading this (or someone who knows you is reading this), just so you know, the reason why I didn't go to school for a month was food poison. I almost died. Ma'am, just so you know, I didn't want to take the class fund that you gave me even if you told me that I should take it, for it might help to buy my medicines. I wasn't raised like that, ma'am. Hindi po ako mukhang pera. I didn't need the money. What I wanted was your understanding. Thanks for the trauma, ma'am. Thanks for dulling my sparkle. Surely, I will never forget you.

I was alive, but I became a ghost when a fifth grade classmate pushed me so hard that I almost fell on the ground. My mom was there, and she saw what happened. My mom confronted my fifth grade teacher, but my teacher sided on my classmate because she cried, made herself look helpless, and played victim. Nice. Thank you very much, ma'am. I am a teacher now, and because of you, I learned how to weigh the situation fairly and not taking sides.

I was alive, but I became a ghost when one of my cousins misunderstood my chat (on Yahoo! Messenger way way back) and my aunts made it a big deal. A lot of things were brought up, and my whole being was crushed. I was so wrecked that I decided to leave and disown them.

I was alive, but I became a ghost when _ _ _ _ cyber bullied the 14-year old me. Sorry for this, but until now, you are full of bullshit. There, I finally let it out. I already forgave you for all the shaming that you did to me and for all of your libelous acts. Yes, you are forgiven; But as they, Cancers forgive, but never forgets.

I was alive, but I became a ghost when I decided to seclude myself from some people I used to know. It was because someone judged me when I slept on a friend's house (this friend is a girl, by the way) and made an issue out of it. Note that this person claims to be a servant of God. Funny, isn't it?

I was alive, but I became a ghost when I decided to move-in with the one I love. I thought I should move-on with my life as well. New neighbors, new friends, new faces. Best decision ever.

Today, I am celebrating my 22nd year of existence. Believe it or not, I know that only a few really remembers the date of my birth. I am a mom now, and soon, I will be a wife (legally). I am proud of my scars, whether visible or not, because they made me stronger than I was.

I am Danica Marie Argonza Arellano, born on the 18th of July in the City of Manila.

I may be a ghost today, but I know, I will be resurrected one day.

LET it go

Marami akong kakilala at kaibigan na nagsasaya ngayong araw na 'to. Paano ba naman kasi, nakita na nila sa wakas ang mga pangalan nila sa mga pumasa sa Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET) na ginanap noong Agosto.

Masaya ako para sa kanila, lalo na't kabilang sa mga pumasa ang matalik kong kaibigan noong 2nd year high school. Sa pagkakatanda ko, ako itong may gusto na maging isang guro ngunit anong nangyari sa pinangarap ko?

Sana naging matigas na lang pala ang ulo at puso ko nang mga panahong 'yon. Sana noong pagkakataong 'yon, inisip ko na lang ang sarili ko at hindi nakinig sa mga sabi-sabi ng kung sinu-sino. Pero hindi e, hinayaan ko silang lunurin ako; hinayaan ko silang tangayin ako. Hindi man lang ako lumaban, Hindi ko man lang pinilit lumangoy papunta sa dalampasigan.

Nagsisisi ba ko?

Oo.

Pero narito na ko ngayon, nakatayo, hawak ang kapirasong papel na bunga ng apat na taong paghihirap sa kursong hindi ko naman talaga gaanong gusto. Ngunit sabi nga nila, hindi pa naman daw huli ang lahat. Sana nga.

Sa ngayon, patuloy pa rin akong nagmumuni-muni. Sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sa susunod sa semestre upang tahakin ang isa na namang landas tungo sa karunungan; ang landas na matagal ko nang pinangarap na daanan.

On filmmaking

My family used to go to the cinemas; during that time, it was half the price compared today. But when it started to be "watching a film will cost you your daily allowance" we stopped going to the cinemas.

Growing up, I didn't become a fan of films. But that changed when I met Angelo.

He was the one who re-introduced films to me. Since then, everytime I'd watch a film, it feels like I am in a different world; a world that I can call my own.

My love for films grew even more when I took up Film Aesthetics during third year in college. My professor did not just teach us how to appreciate films but also taught us how to evaluate which are "good" films and which are not.

On the same year, independent or "indie" films were introduced to me and I started to love them. There's this thinking that indie films are better than mainstream, but do not be deceived. The truth is, not all indie films are good and not all mainstream films are trash.

Then and there, I dreamed of creating my own film. But how am I suppose to do so? I could not even afford to buy a camera in the first place. I am but a student and a scholar of the taxpayers of Manila. But still, I continued to dream. As they say, "Libre lang mangarap" ("It's free to dream").

Come 2013, I took up Radio and Television Production. We were asked to create a documentary as our final output for the subject. It was Angelo who provided me a Nikon D3200 to work with and I am grateful for having him in my life. My team created a documentary entitled "Bitaw" which was about a man who tried to suicide fourteen times and yet, after some years, he found a way to pick up the broken pieces of his life. This documentary won 3rd prize in AV Faith Awards sponsored by the Society of St. Paul's.

As of the moment, I am taking up Film Production and Direction. And of course, we are to create or produce a film. In my first attempt, I was devastated. Not that I couldn't make one. Truth is, I know I am capable of creating my own film now, but just the thought of doing it was really depressing. I already shot a short film entitled "Cheryl" with the help of family and friends, but something was missing from it. It didn't really come out as I thought it would. Sadly one factor that made everything seem to go to waste: the budget I received from my producer, the tiresome effort made by my crew, and the amazing performances of my actors, was a technical problem that ruined the whole film. It was an unwanted noise due to a faulty microphone. Furthermore, the genre was horror, and it wasn't really my style, so to speak. Be it as it may, I didn't get to fully finish the film, editing and what not, but I don't regret it. It's because of that that I learned to check everything before shooting. That it's important to have your equipment in good working order.

Like I said, I was devastated. The loss of my first short film was heartbreaking for me and I wasn't over it yet. But since we were given a new assignment, I had no other choice but to make one more. I had a choice to join others and make it as a group production, but I decided to do it again on my own. Not because I'm selfish, but because I want to make my dream to finally turn into reality.

Nevertheless, producing another film didn't become easy. I had to look for actors who could portray the roles that I had in mind, and for me, that is the hardest part in filmmaking. Once again, I asked for help with the people who helped me in my first film. However, I found the doors which were once opened now closed. I couldn't blame them. Who would want to work with a failure of a director, anyway?

I was close to giving up. I cried my heart out, like a mother who was about to lose a baby inside her womb. Then again, an angel came to my rescue me and that is none other than, Angelo.

He helped me to get back on my feet once again. He was there for me from the location hunt until I said the phrase "it's a wrap" and even when I was trying my best to edit the film, he didn't leave me until it was totally done. It was a heck of a roller coaster ride. But now, I can proudly say that I made my dream come true. I have created a film. Something I can really call my own.

Most of all, I want to thank God for he never left my side. He is true to His promises. May God bless my official first short film entitled "Patungo" ("Ascension") and the people who helped me to make the film possible.

A Little Something For You

Gone are the days that this heart keeps pounding fast and heavily whenever I see your face.

Gone are those sweet memories of ours that used to make me smile like a fool and that I used to think of, before going to sleep.

Gone are the sleepless nights because of my excitement on the thought of tomorrow will be the day that I will be with you again.

I remembered, there he was, the man of my dreams. He, together with another newbie (a girl), played a magical piece entitled “A whole new world”.

For an unknown reason, I was so touched and moved into tears. But of course I wiped it out immediately. Our common friend, who’s sitting beside me, might tease me again and the things she will be going to say will only make me like you more.

I wasn't very good in starting conversations but I really like talking to you. But sometimes I have this feeling that you’re getting tired of my senseless rants, my weird thoughts and other shit. I don’t know. Sometimes it seems that you’re just trying not to hurt me and you’re just being forced by your conscience to talk to me.

You’re a very good person. For someone who’s studying at *bleep bleep* you’re unbelievably nice. You’re the most talented person that I ever knew. You’re highly intellectual and I really look up to you.

*Sigh*. I think about you most of the time. I am physically present but mentally absent at times; my body is sitting in that winter-weathered classroom but in my mind I am sitting next to you in the most romantic place I could think of (Scary. Don’t you think?).

I’m not perfect and I will never be. I might probably be the weirdest friend that you have. But I want you to know that this imperfect, weird woman will always try her best to help you in whatever way she can simply because she loves you so much (but nah ah, not in a romantic way *in denial*). It hurts her to know that something is bothering you, hurting you, making you feel sad and down. She wanted to take care of you but then she realized that you’re strong enough to take good care of yourself so she just accepted defeat. But I hope you see that she didn't walk away from you; she’s still behind your back, applauding to all of your success, weeping to your mishaps.

So there he was, the man of my dreams. I was on a sidewalk; I watched him as he drove away, hoping that our paths will cross again someday. But for now, I have to put my focus on that parchment manuscript waving at me; oh my! I can hear it say, “come and get me, baby!”

"We go on hurting each other..

We go on hurting each other..

Making each other cry..

Hurting each other..

Without ever knowing why.."

-Hurting Each Other by The Carpenters

Somehow, it feels strange to be alone again after long years of being in a relationship especially when you chose to still be friends with your ex.

It’s sad to let go of the memories that you've shared. It’s heart-wrecking to remember your first date, first kiss, the first time he met your relatives, how you get along together so well that others think you’re just siblings (or cousins), the “kilig” moments, how he used to fetch you after a long tiring day at school, how he used to cheer you up, how he used to surprise you on special occasions, the silly games you play, how he holds your hand, how he stare at you as if you are the most beautiful woman on the entire universe, how you used to talk about your future, how your home should look like, how many kids you want to have, what will be the names of these kids, the “kulitan”, your pet name, how you used to stay up all night just to talk to him  and other stuff like that.

Maybe he’s right. We’re not on the same wavelengths anymore. We’re not even on the same time zone.

So I told myself, “Okay. Fine. I think this is it. It’s time to say the magic word.”

I didn’t cry. Maybe because I have this mindset that we will be together again someday but as days pass by, I started to doubt it. Well, I think this is just a phase. I will get over it soon. Now I have to focus on my thesis and film production and direction class. But what the heck, how will I be able to do that when my mind is clouded up with all these sentiments?

Damn. Sudden gushes. Sometimes I wish I could erase some of my memories so that it will not hurt this bad. But I have to deal with this maturely. Crying will not bring anything back to the way it was.

But as they say, things happen for a reason. There’s still a lot of time and we’re still young. We might bump into each other again somewhere and have a small talk and blah blah blah..

Maybe he will be able to find somebody better than me and maybe I will be able to meet someone too. Or maybe we will end up realizing that it is really “us”, we just have to have a breather. Nobody knows what the future holds anyway.

Guess for the meantime, I just have to enjoy this roller coaster ride.

“Hanging around..

Nothing to do but frown..

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..”

As usual, I woke up late. It’s a Monday and I don’t have classes on Mondays but during this day of the week, I have to meet my thesismates. So I dragged myself off to Altura.

Well, I have this habit that whenever I am on a jeepney and stuck in a traffic jam, I look at random people walking on the sidewalk. So while I was watching people walk by, I noticed this girl wearing black pants, black long sleeves top (or maybe that was a jacket) and black rubber shoes with red linings carrying a black studded shoulder bag. I wondered for a moment if I knew her because she looked familiar. She was walking towards the route of the jeepney I am in. When she got a little closer, my reaction was “No f*cking way! That isn’t her! NO. NO WAY!” Yeah, I think I overacted but that was really the exact words that I uttered to myself when I realized that I really do know her.

I hated her; almost cursed her. We didn’t really met, but how will I not know her? She was the person who dragged my boyfriend in a deed. I hated her up to my bone morrows. I don’t know. Maybe because I felt cheated when I found out that my boyfriend is no longer innocent and that girl was the one who took his innocence away. I swear I hated her. But as I grew older, I learned to accept the fact that we cannot undo things that happened in the past.  We may regret doing it but that will never change anything.

I tried to befriend her but things didn’t go well. I still want to be friends with her but I guess, fate doesn’t really want me to.

She looks worried and sad while walking on the sidewalk. She ran her fingers through her hair thrice and pursed her lips. It seems to me that she was thinking about something very important; a project, maybe. I was so tempted to go down and approach her just for the heck of it. Silly, but a thought popped in my mind that this is a twist of fate and we may be friends in an instant if I approach her and try to have a small talk. But I didn’t. I’m not crazy enough to do that. Besides, my thesismates are already waiting for me.

I stared at her as the jeepney started to move away and I whispered, “Au revoir”.

It felt like I was in a movie scene. Indeed, I am weird to think of those things. Coincidence? Destiny? I have no idea.